Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”   [Mt 19:14]

I have raised seven children up to this point, the older five now being young adults, two with children of their own. I had to take care of them in church by myself, being an “altar widow” as sone people humorously put it. It’s not been easy, nor particularly fun, but the payoff for the zillion trips in and out, manually assisting to make the sign of the cross, admonishing someone not to jump/spin/lie down/punch their sibling/etc., carrying the baby/toddler to see all the icons, you name it… is profound. I’ve learned a few things along the way, mostly by experience, but also through the advice and example of other, more experienced mothers in church. [I first wrote this post many years ago, long before we came to our current parish, so I was not writing with any of our current parishioners in mind! Everything was written from personal experience dealing with my own children.]

When my oldest three were tiny I cried to my spiritual father that I was in and out of church so much that I felt like I was out more than in, and that I was losing the point. He told me that God gave me these babies and my job was to take care of them. Was I just going to let the baby cry in hunger? Not take the toddler potty? Of course not. Even though I kept having to leave church I was still “praying with my feet”. (This is where I got the name of my long standing, but now defunct blog.) These words have given me much comfort over the years, and have comforted many other mothers of small children.

After a lot of requests over the years I put together some helpful hints about taking care of children in church. It’s not perfect, and not everything applies to every family. This is mostly general advice along the lines of “not shooting yourself in the foot.”

1. Have high expectations. They can do it. If you assume bad behaviour, you’ll probably get it. (You’ll get bad behaviour at times anyway, but don’t set the bar too low.) On the other hand, don’t set your expectations beyond what is developmentally appropriate. Babies have no inside voice. Toddlers are incapable of being perfectly still.

2. Don’t bring food and drink into church. I haven’t had a child yet faint from not eating for two hours. The older ones keep the communion fast. If you have a child who for medical reasons needs food every hour to half hour, then by all means feed them. Just don’t do it in the temple. It is best to feed babies, whether by nursing or bottle, outside the main temple. I have been in a place where the hall was inaccessible and had to nurse in a dark corner of the narthex during vespers, but get children used to the rule that there is no food or drink in the church from the beginning. Some churches have cry rooms off the narthex where you can take a baby to quiet them or feed them, but don’t camp out there.

3.  If they’re getting bored, pick up the younger ones and slowly (and unobtrusively) walk around the periphery of the church or the narthex pointing out the figures in the icons, moving to the next when the novelty of the current one has worn out. Point out the various features in the church and the action. They love to see the candle stands but be careful to stand out of reach.

4. If you attend a larger church, don’t stand in the very back. Wouldn’t you be bored if all you could see were people’s legs or backsides? (This assumes a church with no pews but even then it’s better to sit where they can see the “action”.) It’s tempting to stand where you can make a quick exit, but you might be setting yourself up for disruptive behavior arising from boredom.

5. If a child fusses beyond whimpering or brief crying, take him out out of respect for the service and other parishioners, but don’t make going out fun (like heading for the playground). Settle them down in a way appropriate to age and then bring them back in as soon as possible. Stress “it’s important for us to be in church right now.” You might go out thirty times when you first try this, but it decreases markedly over a short period of time. If you have a church with a narthex (lucky you!) then you can probably hear and participate in the service from there unless your child is too loud. I have many times stood in the narthex with one or more children, pacing back and forth with a fussy baby and singing responses. If people look at you like you’re crazy because you’re singing “Gladsome light” by yourself, then let them. Your children will see that it is important and that you’re not out there on a lark. Also, children learn from very, very early that if they fuss, they get taken out. I’ve seen tiny toddlers pitch a fit, then as the parent carried them to the door they break out in a big smile. This is how you know you’ve reached the stage of removing every incentive to go out.

6. Go to church frequently. This sounds obvious, but if you limit your time in church to a Liturgy every few weeks or months, your children will forget how to behave from one time to the next. The parents’ excuse is usually, “I don’t come to church very often because they act out.” This is reversing cause and effect. [Note: if they’re sick, do keep them home. Not only will they get everyone else sick but they’re likely to behave worse than usual and you’ll be miserable.]

7. Regarding toys in church: I have allowed small “church books” (about icons, saints, the church building, the services) in church and allow the child to look at them quietly, sometimes pointing out the parallels between the pictures and what we’re actually doing. I have had no success with anything else because when they have “toys” they play. “Toys” have included 33 knot prayer ropes. They have good imaginations. (And it’s a good idea to search little boys’ pockets before church. There was a close call with a whistle…) Most small children have a favorite stuffed animal or doll that goes everywhere. You can make the decision whether that extends to church or not, but if you decide to permit it (and I mostly did), then take care that it’s a quiet toy that doesn’t make a loud noise when dropped. Also, please don’t bring cars or wheeled toys. There is literally no way children behave quietly with these. Ditto for balls, etc. These are outside-of-church toys. My hard and fast rule was that once anything becomes a projectile, it disappears. No returns.

8. A lot of small children go through a stomping stage. If they are getting a big kick out of stomping, just take off their shoes and stick them in your bag. It doesn’t last forever.

9. Don’t let children play together in church. It’s very rare that they can even be permitted to stand together because they simply can’t help themselves and start playing and talking. If your child is starting to giggle with/play with someone else’s child you may have to move to a different spot. Just emphasize that they can play after church. Some people think it’s cute to have a gaggle of children all together, but unless they are all little angels, they are going to act up. Don’t set yourself up for failure.

Each family has to tailor suggestions like these to their own situations. Life with many small children (or just one small child) can be difficult in church. No one will get it perfect. There are some days when you will just want to give up, strap everyone in their car seats and head home. I’ve done this at least twice. There are limits, after all. Perseverance has its rewards though. Do not hesitate to ask for help from other adults (or even teenagers) in church. Most people will be afraid to volunteer their help for fear of being seen as interfering or critical, but will be happy to assist if asked. Sometimes this help may come in the form of having someone keep an eye on some of your children while you take the fussy one out. It is a good idea for children to form relationships with other adults in church so that they will happily go to them if you have to leave.

You probably remember the day you switched from “Can’t those people control their children?” to “Those poor parents. I was in their shoes last week.” Spare a kind look and some encouraging words for others in the trenches. They’re probably feeling like they’ll never be welcomed back. Make sure they know that’s not the case. Be especially encouraging to families who are visiting an Orthodox church for the first time. They’re probably used to having nurseries and Sunday school available for children during church and are panicked about how their children will behave. Also keep in mind that you don’t know the whole story. If you have a family who is really struggling with the behavior of a child, there might be issues you know nothing about. In general, parents do not want their children to misbehave in church or be a distraction to others. Always assume the best and be kind.

It’s hard to be a parent. That just about sums it up.In the end we have to do the best we can, stepping back and evaluating ourselves occasionally (Have I gotten lazy about this? Have I slipped into this bad habit?), talking to our spiritual father, praying (yes, sometimes I forget), and trying to remember that on the last day we will be judged by God, not our neighbors. I’ve been guilty many times of thinking, “My gosh! Would you LOOK at what that child is doing!”, even though my child did it last week (or worse, will do it five minutes later). Yes, sometimes a child is being permitted to get away with outrageous behavior, but sometimes it’s just something else. I try to remember to assume the best because unless I march up and ask (and I’m not going to!), I don’t know.

I haven’t yet addressed the “what to do when you’re in church with absolutely horribly behaved children who are being allowed to get away with murder” question. If the child is behaving badly, but the parent is attempting to deal with it, say the Jesus prayer, give them a break, offer to help, whatever. Some new parents never had good parenting techniques modeled for them. Some remember their parents dealing with seven other kids. It does make a difference. If you have similarly-aged children, model behavior. The hard one is dealing with a situation in which the parents are doing absolutely nothing to control their child(ren). I strongly suggest talking to your parish priest rather than saying anything to anyone else. Talking about it to others constitutes gossip and you will probably stick your foot in it if you go try to talk to the parents in question. The priest can hardly be unaware of what is going on if it is really disruptive and it’s better for him to talk to them than you. What other things can you do in the meantime? If you have a good handle on your own kids (and only then), invite one of those to stand with you. Consider it a blessing. Distract them by pointing out what is going on. Carry them around to the icons. Help them light a candle (not advisable with some kids). Kindly but firmly stop behavior like jumping, hitting, making loud noises. This is not a total fix because children will do what they’re consistently allowed to do and they’re with their parents 99.999 % of the time. However, it may demonstrate some techniques to the parents. I’ve done this a few times and it bought the church 10 minutes of quiet. It was something. One thing to keep very firmly in mind: If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  [1 Cor 13:1-2]